When moving from my first draft to my final draft I made many revisions. I revised my thesis, added on to my first body paragraph, added a second body paragraph, a rebuttal, and a conclusion. When revising my thesis I made sure to add more detail to make it clear what I was arguing in each of my body paragraphs. In my first draft I had just said technology brings negatives and changed the way we think. In my final draft I had made it clear that it changes specifically our reading and spelling and I added that we have become reliant on technology. Your thesis is one of the most important parts of an essay so by revising that I was able to improve my essay as a whole.
Along with revising my thesis, I added to my first body paragraph. First I made sure to add more context about what Carr says before actually quoting what he said. This helped to smoothly lead into the quote. I made my first quote from Carr into a box quote because it was long. After the quote I had originally gone straight into my own thoughts, but for my final draft I made sure to break down what Carr said in the quote before diving into my thoughts. Then I added my personal obsession with my phone so the reader would know that I too feel all the effects Carr does. I made a big change at the end of this paragraph. In my first draft I compared what Carr said to a quote from Sibley, but for my final I decided to instead compare Carr’s quote to a quote from Burr because I felt it connected better. I used Sibley’s quote in my next paragraph to connect with a different Carr quote. I made many local revisions that all ultimately led to my overall essay improving. My analysis became much deeper and my quote integration improved.
After improving what I already had from my first draft I added another body paragraph comparing Carr and Sibley, a naysayer, and a conclusion to wrap everything up. Overall I think my development of my essay really proved my ability to go back and make my essay clearer, balance my thoughts vs others thoughts, and connect quotes.
